Zen as fuck

If I am so friggin Zen, why do I keep reaching into my bucket of shit feelings?
 
Do you feel like you have come such a long way? That with constant growth, you see the light at the end of the tunnel? You are on the path to greatness.. You are zen as fuck and you have your daily practices down pat, you are open minded and adaptable. You have such knowledge and learnt so much, but for some stupid, stupid reason when those emotions get high INSTEAD OF FOLLOWING WHAT I KNOW… I reach in and pick out an old story from the bucket of shit feelings and I let loose with that! Why, oh why does this happen.
 
Honestly I can tell you now at 46 that I have grown and changed so much, I love who I am becoming and I feel like a strong woman, I AM a strong woman. I feel empowered by the circle of women around me. I feel zen as fuck and I know how to deal with thoughts and feelings as they rise, BUT instead of being in control of my thoughts, the emotions and feelings which are obviously from a past story come forward. This shit rises up and the rubbish that comes out of my mouth (well seriously Kylie, have you grown at all) is terrible.. Why did I pull that out of my bucket of shit stories and feelings? Why is is I can’t pull from the new bucket of great feelings and wonderful stories?
 
I know in my head that both these buckets count, can’t have the light without the dark, can’t have the good without the bad…. Yer yer I get it… I do however have a choice to pull from the right bucket. So when and where in a situation do I lose control and pull from the wrong bucket? I’m older, I have experience, I’m educated, I have learnt, I am zen! What happens?
 
So.. it happens, I pull up old emotions when a situation occurs. I know most of the time that I go to the right bucket but not all the time.. and then there are days I constantly pull from the wrong bucket and just feel like shit.. like I need to start my zen journey all over again.
 
Well I look at it this way, it takes years to get a degree. It takes many hours of practice to be a great musician. It takes blood, sweat and tears to become a champion boxer! So who the hell do I think I am if I can’t still fall flat on my face!
 
The important action is that I keep reaching for the good bucket, I keep doing those daily practices that work for me AND I goddamn believe in me… I am the answer! I keep practicing until its no longer a practice and it is the go to action.. when I can say “what other bucket?”
 
Stay with the now, don’t go back to old emotions! You are the answer! Stop, pause, breath, speak with Love!
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