Do I need to divorce my job?

​I know last year for me, I was in a place of total despair. Going to work disabled me and I was dealing with such emotion and pain on a daily basis. The inner critic in my head was pretty much saying that I need to leave this job! Actually, she was shouting it from the roof top, with a whole heap of words stating how useless I was. I was taking my distraught self-home and all my emotions were unintentionally taken out on my family! I was in pure survival mode! I could not separate any emotions and felt that life was hell and the only fix would be to leave my current job. I did not want to deal with the day to day challenges of my own emotions and feeling stripped bare and being in a constant state of suffering at work and then at home. Even when I thought I had my shit together it only took a couple of days and I would be back to having that glass wine every night or zero energy to deal or desire to do anything.

So, what did I do… Well I was lucky, I had some Long Service Leave and took 6 months at half pay so I could take a break. I got some help and I discussed every issue I was having and cried a lot of it out. We have all heard the stories of women having a meltdown, or maybe a break down… Or there are the women who are currently sitting in the pre-meltdown area and just living in that suffering on a day to day. I had a meltdown. I even had a total Jerry Maguire moment where I told a high-ranking officer what was wrong with the work place.

Should I divorce my job, it was like a marriage. it had the honeymoon phase, then the reality phase and instead of working on it or discussing it. I got to the I want out phase “I hate you, we are through!” I was in pain and did not see any light at the end of the tunnel and I had forgotten why I got into relationship in the first place.

So, knowing my history and knowing that I didn’t do well at relationships, when it got hard I don’t want to deal with the bad shit, so I put up the wall and ensure I self-sabotage the relationship. It is what I have always done, I play victim. I have a master’s in it! Then I met David and he called me on my bullshit, when I needed to not talk about what was going on. I would just disappear for an hour or two or a weekend if I needed but I was not going to be real, raw and authentic with him. I was so damn busy with my suitcase of the past and all my hurt and pain that I did not want to sit with that shit again. He called me on it, he said to me “I have to stop taking off when it is hard and actually talk”. Oh, I self-justified this. I said to myself that I am calming down, I am not getting into an argument, I am not offloading my history onto him. I now call my own shit. What if I talked to him and was real, vulnerable and shook off all of my shit and just lived in the now. What if? David gave me the space to feel safe and secure to do this, I could be me. I was loved.

When I looked at my relationship with David it made me look at my relationship with my work. I remembered my honeymoon phase and how in love I was! I remembered all the great things that I first adored when I first started working there. Just like my relationship I did not want to deal with the hard stuff.  I felt over and over that I should just leave, there are plenty of fish in the sea! I can find another job.

The same in my relationships, only when I felt secure and safe to actually dive deep and deal with my demons could I actually blossom. Is my work the same way, what if I was real, raw and authentic? What if I sat in the hard shit as well?

I had to do a lot of work on me to feel secure in my relationship with David. I would love to blame every ex that I have had and trust me they had faults but HEY so did I. I had to do the work, create practices, love myself, believe I am worthy. I had to sit with it and do the hard yards to let David in.

We have choices and just like some relationships that are abusive, and you need to walk away from so are some work places. BUT, what if I worked on me in my work environment what if I created my own security and safe space. I have to believe my story first before I can share it with others. I need to deal with own emotions, so I can listen and not be reactive. I decide on what I let in and I don’t. I am powerful.

Imagine if I did not need that sea change, imagine if I did the hard yards in my work place and I blossom, I grow, and I get through the downs of a relationship. What would it look like? Would I love it?

It wasn’t the work place that had to change for me, it was me. all my demons, all my luggage, I learnt why I was reacting and being triggered and then I dealt with that issue.

I love my work and I am grateful in my moment of emotion that I did not chuck it all in. We don’t think logically when we are emotional.

I had to grow but working through the tough shit. I realise now that I AM ENOUGH. I AM SAFE. I AM LOVED. I AM WORTHY.
I will endeavour to take the ups and downs with my work just like my relationship and only leave when it is for my upmost good, for my higher self.

Thankyou mentors and psychologists for paving the way. I am always a student, but I am discovering mastery.