My pursuit for happiness is exactly like the renovation of an old Queenslander!

Do you ever consider your foundations, how important they are and how long it has taken you to get to this point? What happens if I bulldozed your house, I destroyed some of those foundations and that you had to start again? Then consider as you just started to rebuild I did it again, you are annoyed and hurt but you learnt in this process how to lay this foundation because the second time I bulldozed it you realised that you could have done something a little different to make it stronger but only saw this the second time round.

So am I talking about your house right now or am I talking about every time we have to deal with a huge life event. So interesting that just as your house needs foundations to stand on so do you. You need strong, very capable, cyclone proof foundations.

The second or third time round of mine being bulldozed and the need to rebuild, I found myself at a point of exhaustion, not knowing if I had the energy to rebuild again. I felt that if life was to come at me again like it had before that I had nothing left inside to rebuild. I can honestly say that I might not make it through, I would give in. Now I actually don’t know what that means but it is that overwhelming feeling that washes over me in any situation that feels that it has that potential. It is honestly defeating, and it requires all your inner strength to get through.

How I turned this around, I now look at this huge event of being bulldozed and the subsequent rebuild, and I wonder what I will see when I am stripped back to the bare minimum. What does it look like, what could I do different? What have I learnt? What would I do the same? It feels more like a challenge, and as with everything we do that fear of the unknown and the overwhelming feeling only starts to dissipate once we face these challenges, I mean really face these challenges alone. I am so lucky for the tremendous support that I have in my life but when I am dealing with the hard issues in tears, alone, and its only afterward that you think and start to believe in your own capabilities!

This sabbatical, long service leave, time out, recovery time, seeking for authentic, pursuit of happiness brings me all to the painting of walls and doors in my Queenslander house! It is funny after just a couple of months how I am comparing them to each other or maybe both things are the same.

The start of my renovation was with a Certifier and if I don’t understand what legal jargon a Certifier is using then I start googling, what does this form number do in the certification process etc etc?… what if someone was to check my google searches, it would be interesting? Or maybe even embarrassing? .. They might find …
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• Mid life crisis
• Pursuit of happiness
• What is love
• Jobs that make you happy
• How to be your best self
• Is Thor real

And honestly the list just goes on; it is truly as random as the search for what the hell the Certifier is talking about! Either way I feel like I have missed something and I damn well need some education on it.. and Google is right always don’t you think?

On our search we do constantly look for an inkling of what we lack within. I can’t tell you the amount of times that I have googled how to be strong, how to be brave, life hacks on what I felt was missing within me. Not all my searches really gave me the answers that I needed.

At first most of the time I felt that I knew this stuff! Why do I need to research it, kind of a little like filling out a form for the Certifier… how hard can it be? I have that life experience and I should know it. I am intelligent and I can work it out… I have done brave things; why do I need more information on this?
So I feel there is a fine line here and two real points that I want to make, sometimes we are searching for what is already within us and then the other point is that the education of working on other areas is the same as going to the gym to stay fit. You can’t do yoga and meditation once and think you have it sorted, your Zen is great. One healthy meal does not mean a healthy way of living or you achieved weight loss. What I want to say is sometimes we need to believe more in ourselves but we also need to work on these areas just the same as going to the gym.
I know how to fill out a form but I needed a bit more education on what the hell a Certifier does and the information he was after.

So what is wrong with getting a little more educated? Why does it feel that seeking for an alternative, aromatherapy, colour therapy, chakra therapy, meditation, or any alternative process that is not the norm is looked down upon. I know myself when I am trying an alternative therapy I don’t like to share it as it sounds too damn hippy and what would people think of me. So why can’t I be authentic and real, why is it that I now feel that I need to hide these things from my closest till I have tested it? It comes down to sit loosely with it for me, I want to try different things on, I want to see if it works and I am building the courage within to do that and voice it as it really is ok to be me! I know there is more women out there the same as me, seeking but not comfortable in sharing.

Just like those damn forms, I did not want to ask for help and did the research myself as I am intelligent and asking help to fill in simple forms stepped on my ego! Seriously Kylie, I don’t need to be perfect.. I am beautiful and flawed!

I have figured just as sometimes I am unable to do things on my own I call in a contractor! I have been able to do some little things in the renovation and it really is just painting and decorating! I would love to be able to do more and I have a few of my own projects in my own mind but I would be lost without calling in an expert! I have felt this the same way in my personal life; I called in a Happy Coach! I had to change my perspective, my way of thinking and what better way then calling in an expert! Just like I need someone to build new walls! We shouldn’t be afraid to seek professional help when we need!

Have you been to the display homes and how beautiful everything is, the perfect houses, the perfect styling, the perfect gardens! I really don’t know of one of my friends’ houses that are that way it is always a project going on! Restyling in the best ways … A Queenslander is a very long-term project! From plans, to certification, to downstairs rebuild, to selection of tiles, to decorating, to staying within my budget, to a build of a deck and on and on and on. When I feel I have fixed or redone one area and working on the next, I do have to go back and fix some areas that I have already done! It is me, just because I worked on it once, that area may still need constant work! I honestly could not have that gorgeous display home, this old house needs work and David and I constantly stand in the back yard and look up at our and dream of all the things we want to get done! Caring for this house and making it my comfort, my joy, my strong foundation is the same as the projects I work on me! This old girl is going to need constant work and just because I fix or renovate part of me, I will still need to go back and redo when necessary!

I can tell you some of the projects have not been perfection at all, it has it bumps, areas that are just worn and older parts that are just that old! I don’t need perfection, I need to see those scratches, I need to see those worn areas and remember this is a real home with real people that live here. I feel like I am the same, I have tried to be perfect and it is just a set up for failure, stress and life wears you down! Some points in my life I have been super fit and now I know I need some TLC, which has this body not so toned and slim! I love all my imperfections and honestly this is one of the hardest lessons, which I can tell you I have not perfected at all! I keep looking at this old house and I try and remember that it is ok… just well loved and lived in – a bit like me.

Family and friends are always welcome, come sit on the deck and have a bubbly with me and help me plan my next project. Just as with me, come sit and chat and be real and authentic, take of the mask – just like this house and the soft worn couch downstairs, or the light airy bedroom newly renovated, there is great areas here to feel safe and talk about it all! Yes my girlfriends and I have swam topless in the pool (whilst all the family is away), my friends have come stayed by my side after surgery (making one of them sleep in the bed next to me as I was scared I would choke in middle of night), I have been loved and spoilt but I created an environment that was a home and safe! I feel like this is me with opened arms, come talk and be real with me, I will listen and I am here and available! Having a home or a friend you can do this with is one of the greatest joys in life! We all need a safe space or that person, no masks, just real authentic you! I would love if this could be what it is like with everyone… just to feel it was safe to talk ALWAYS!

I will work on this house to ensure it lasts, that there is a home. It will need those repairs, renovations and TLC! Just as I do, in my pursuit of happiness, my sabbatical, my long service leave I will continue to work on me, try on new projects, seek help as I need, believe more in me, and find that education so I can make ME last!
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