ARE YOU HIDING YOUR HAPPY?

​Have you ever had drinks at your house, and you don’t invite all the circles of your friends? There are your work friends, yoga friends, drinking friends, military friends, husbands friends (well you get my gist) do you wonder if I put them all in the same area they won’t get along or they have nothing in common OR maybe you are a different person to each of these groups?

I always used to say “we can’t cross the streams” ~ yep ghostbusters and they all have the streams to take down Mr Stay Puft… if I think about the streams as my different groups of friends if I crossed them then I might die….. but did I die? NOOOOOOO! The magic happened!

I feel for so long that I have played a different person to each group, basically, I fit in. It is human nature to want to fit in and be liked. So of course, I could adjust to the different audiences and I wouldn’t talk about the bender that I had with my drinking buddies to my yoga buddies nor would I talk about yoga and meditation with my military buddies. I was giving each little group a different part of me and not really truly being JUST ME to any one group. 

This also was the case with my partner, he wouldn’t get my crystals or my oils and what the hell are all these journals lying around. I was also hiding my happy from him; but why? I can tell you why I did not want to rock the boat, I wanted to be liked, I wanted friends and I wanted to fit in just like everyone else. I wanted to be loved and not judged at all. 

My time in the military I used to die a strip of my hair bright pink and hide it underneath the top layer because that was the crazy me. I have carried crystals in my bra, pockets, handbags, in the car and never really talking about any of it. I was so busy trying to fit in everywhere that I would not talk about it. I kept the parts that excited me, the foundations that got me through the day to day and I pushed it way down and did not share ALL OF ME with any one group. 

So, imagine if I put all those groups together (crossed the streams) they might put the puzzle pieces together, they might think I am crazy. My partner surely would leave he did not sign up for a nutcase like me!

What I learnt is that all the parts of me needed to come out, I needed to be all of me all of the time and I needed to talk about my crystals and the need to die my hair pink and I honestly know that all my friends are really different but I love all of them and if I want to have drinks then I am inviting all of them. That anxiety and stressing who likes who and who will talk about me had to go. 

So I do dress corporate, wear an army uniform, have hippy pants, love pink hair, wear orange underwear, carry crystals, drink sometimes at lunch, believe sickness comes from the struggles we are dealing with. I don’t know if I am a hippy, just sensitive, or variety rocks my boat. I do know when I let Kylie Michelle out to the world magic happened. I got to be me at home where my partner buys presents of crystals (he doesn’t need to like all I do but he loves me the way I am). I can not cross the streams and worry about what I can't control. Just showing parts of me and not the real me is still a mask and once taken off the feeling of freedom is amazing. 

Be who you are! Don’t hide what you love, own that shit!! People will come and go, they may love me and they may not. I have learnt how to let go of friends and how to find ones like me and I will be ok. I have loved and been hurt by love but true love comes from really being who we are and accepting that. 

I crossed the streams, I got happy and I am no longer hiding! Fuck Yes… now, this is living!