Why do I never fit in?

​I have honestly tried everything, but I just don’t fit in anywhere.

So, I joined a new group (again), I am excited as hell… this group could be the one that I find my kind, this could be the group that I belong to forever and still have those friendships when I am older, this group could be the one that makes all those closest of friends that I get to hang out with all the time… I have a good feeling about this group it will be exactly like all those happy groups on Facebook. I love those Facebook groups they seem so happy and close and always doing things together! This group will be the one, I know it.

Then I go, and I start with this new group, and about six weeks in I feel like I don’t belong, they don’t get me, I’m not making those friends, sure some pics are on Facebook, but I am not like those other groups that are just totally happy and they all seem similar. Everyone is so different to me, why am I so damn different to everyone else. Why is this group not my posse? I desperately want to belong, I want to part of a group!

It does not matter whether it is a gym, boot camp, running group, art group, social group, women’s group! It really does not matter, I have tried to find my group, my posse, my pals, where we meet up all the time. Where I make my marble jar friends and I feel connected and supported. I really have tried tonnes of different groups, exercise ones mainly. I then branched out, did some uni, joined social groups, tried some art classes! Why do I feel like I never fit in. Why am I not part of the happy crowd? Why is this so hard? Do people not like me? Honestly, I think I have tried every gym in Townsville… I just don’t feel it, I don’t feel like I fit in.

This feeling has been happening for years and years and now that I am getting closer to 50 I really have started to question what is going on. Am I the odd one out? There is something wrong with me! Always has been, I want to know what it is. I want to fix it and I want to be part of the crowd! I am so tired of not connecting with people. I really don’t know what it is!

I always feel that I needed to fit into that pigeon hole of that group, be like them. Why couldn’t I make that space fit me instead? What was the block that stopped this from happening?

Well there is no secret that I have spoken to psychologists for years, and then in 2017 discovered more about me with my Happy Coach. So many years I truly believed in my heart there was just something wrong with me. Was I too direct? Was I to outspoken? Was I too Army? Was I not funny enough? Do I even know how to talk to people? I learnt something from these people that could answer those questions.

I have been told time and time again that when we think about the negative things, more negative things come… OK.. stay with me on this. let me finish.

Your mind is friggin “Google” if you search for negative of why I don’t fit in.. it will find you a thousand reasons. So, every group I joined my first brain search was “I don’t fit in because…” what did my mind do…. give me a thousand reasons why. Of course, I never fit in, I told myself all the reasons why, I listened to all those reasons and then agreed with them and ended up leaving the group because it. God this is lonely!

Like everything I do.. I analyse it so when I thought about it, it was actually devasting. I am my own enemy! I needed to create my own group just by being that every day, living the actions of why I belong, by taking of the mask and being real raw and authentic with others, by making that a daily practice. There is something within that, daily practices, no mask, being authentic and switching that mind google.

There was no magic going into a new group and thinking this is the one. I need to me, real me, and not fit into a pigeon hole.  We keep getting told the power of the mind does amazing things? It is not about silver linings and just being positive but actually making the brain work and challenging it to search for the positive results. You can’t have the brain think you’re a loser every day and then put a card on your mirror saying, “be awesome”, you got to believe you are awesome and not just say the words on a card!

This takes so much practice and my mind google has a search history so it always keeps going back to why I don’t fit in. I now catch myself doing this and say all the reasons on why I do… I trick my mind google and it starts searching for a thousand reasons why. I then be me, once I believe I can and it’s not about failure. It works!

This, like all things will falter now and then and I run away with the negative search more often than the positive. But it’s the catching myself first that makes the magic, recognising when that negative search comes up. So, this is where journaling came into great practice, writing out what I AM! Making the mind google search for more and more and more positive things. As I have said in previous posts writing out the perfect outing.. maybe that is what it is like with a new group that I start. I will write out how much I fit in before I go there.

Just by switching that search and being you. You create the tribe, the group by being real raw and authentic. The group happens by practicing it. I now feel like I belong, I created those tribe members, I switched my google and I don’t feel lonely!

I AM ENOUGH, I AM LOVED, I AM ME!